Bird tracks in the snow outside my window
Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.
— Mary Oliver, "The Uses of Sorrow" from Thirst (one of my library reads this week)
During my morning pages today, I noticed what my first thoughts are upon waking.
I'm tired. I don't want to get up. I think I gained weight again. I have too much to do. Nothing ever changes. I'm a loser because it's 7:30 a.m. and I didn't get up at 6 a.m. as I had intended.
And on and on.
Needless to say, these aren't exactly the kind of thoughts that make me want to jump out of bed and greet the day with joy, energy and gratitude.
It was a subtle noticing today — but profound.
So as a first step I decided to do things differently today as a way of shifting my energy — small steps towards standing in the ease, joy, peace, flow and abundance that I know is my birthright and our natural state of being.
My different tracks for today:
- wearing three necklaces (thanks to my sweet friend Tracy for the inspiration; last night she had several necklaces on and I just loved the look!)
- listening to Pandora (my station du jour Contemporary Folk)
- doing my hair differently.
- wearing my clothes in a different combination today.
- making an extra nice breakfast for myself.
- playing with having a time contest with myself to see how fast I can get things done.
- breathing and repeating "I can do it, I can make positive changes in my life." (Thanks to Louise Hay's Affirmation Kit for that affirmation.)
- noticing the juncos outside my window, hopping about on the snow, making tracks and pecking for seed. I notice how without worry they are, even in the midst of the bitter cold of winter.
- thinking about flowers: Does a flower struggle to grow and bloom? Does it worry? Beat itself up? No. It trusts. It strives upward. It follows the pull of what it came here to do: take root, emerge, bloom and cast seeds.
And that is what I am here to do, too.
Granted, these aren't earth-shattering changes, but these small steps — these new tracks to my worn out morning music — were enough of a shift and helped me see that things can be different. Just because my first thoughts weren't energizing or loving doesn't mean my whole day has to be depleting and mean to myself.
I can change. I know I can.