I got a call around midnight that my mom is in very critical condition again and the doctor said he wasn't sure she would make it this time and suggested I get the earliest flight to Ohio in the a.m.
I am in shock at the moment — numb and shakey from the news, panicked about getting packed and ready to leave in two hours for a flight; sad, scared, angry at this ARDS thing my mom has; angry and sad that I wasn't in Cleveland these past four days when my mom was more alert; and I'm embarassed to admit that I'm also little angry at the universe for inconveniencing me just when I was feeling finally "caught up" at home.
I am also feeling gratitude for Michael and his calm and giving ways of helping, for having my sister and my brother to talk and share this journey with, for the doctor returning my call at 1 a.m. and the calm way the ICU nurse answered our multiple phone calls, for having such flexibility in my schedule and such good support here that I can leave on a moment's notice...
Such a bundle of so many emotions.
I am experiencing a lot of fear, too, about my mom dying, about how hard this might be for her, how about the uncertainty of how long I will be in Ohio and if she is dying, how long will this last. Even with my fear, I am committed to standing in the intention I've had for the last week around this:
I am keeping my eyes open for the learning in this. But it is hard as I just want to shut them and close down.
Still I am committed to stretching myself into the learning that I know is here for me if I can only be conscious and present enough to notice it.
I want my mom well. I hold the faith that healing is always happening, no matter what.
Sorry that there isn't a Flowering Friday this week. Will post more from Ohio. Thank you for your love, prayers and healing energy.