On Trust, Patience and Being With Mom

Zinnia bud from our garden, August 2009

My mom is now more stable than when the doctor called. I was with her this morning, and she was resting peacefully under sedation and breathing with the support of the ventilator. Her lungs, though more congested than they've been in a while, showed some improvement over yesterday.

One of the lessons I'm taking from the panic and flurry of emotions I felt in the wee hours of Friday morning when the doctor called is to continue to just trust the journey and know there is love around my mom, me and all of us every step of the way.

I am committed to trusting in life this way, but it can be hard for me sometimes as I so want certainty and answers on my mom's healing.

But there are no certain answers right now on how long it will take for her to heal, when she will be awake again, whether she will soon be better or if it will be her time to pass on.

What I can be certain about is this: trusting life, trusting in love and trusting that we are never alone on our journey.

I thought of this picture I took in my garden a couple of weeks ago of this zinnia about to bloom.

There is mystery for me in this picture, but certainty, too. For I know that there will be a bloom. I just don't know when.

So it is with my mom.

I trust that for her, for me, for our family and friends that there is the gift of a gorgeous bloom in all this. I just need patience and presence to witness it.

Thank you all for the love and support. I felt it, and these tangible reminders mean so very much.

Update on My Mom • Prayers & Healing Energy Needed

I got a call around midnight that my mom is in very critical condition again and the doctor said he wasn't sure she would make it this time and suggested I get the earliest flight to Ohio in the a.m.

I am in shock at the moment — numb and shakey from the news, panicked about getting packed and ready to leave in two hours for a flight; sad, scared, angry at this ARDS thing my mom has; angry and sad that I wasn't in Cleveland these past four days when my mom was more alert; and I'm embarassed to admit that I'm also little angry at the universe for inconveniencing me just when I was feeling finally "caught up" at home.

I am also feeling gratitude for Michael and his calm and giving ways of helping, for having my sister and my brother to talk and share this journey with, for the doctor returning my call at 1 a.m. and the calm way the ICU nurse answered our multiple phone calls, for having such flexibility in my schedule and such good support here that I can leave on a moment's notice...

Such a bundle of so many emotions.

I am experiencing a lot of fear, too, about my mom dying, about how hard this might be for her, how about the uncertainty of how long I will be in Ohio and if she is dying, how long will this last. Even with my fear, I am committed to standing in the intention I've had for the last week around this:

I declare that I am dearly loved and whole and complete in every moment. (I also declare this for all of us — my mom included.)

I declare that everything in life is here for our greatest growth and expansion and I trust and surrender to the life that everything is unfolding for the highest good of all.

I am keeping my eyes open for the learning in this. But it is hard as I just want to shut them and close down. 

Still I am committed to stretching myself into the learning that I know is here for me if I can only be conscious and present enough to notice it.

I want my mom well. I hold the faith that healing is always happening, no matter what.

I also trust that there is love surrounding us on every step of our journey. I am praying that in every moment my mother can feel the grace of that love.

Sorry that there isn't a Flowering Friday this week. Will post more from Ohio. Thank you for your love, prayers and healing energy.

Monday Musings: How the Seed Moves

Morning glory bud, my garden, two weeks ago

The seed cannot know what is going to happen, the seed has never known the flower. And the seed cannot even believe that he has the potentiality to become a beautiful flower.

Long is the journey, and it is always safer not to go on that journey because unknown is the path, nothing is guaranteed.

Nothing can be guaranteed.

Thousand and one are the hazards of the journey, many are the pitfalls — and the seed is secure, hidden inside a hard core.

But the seed tries, it makes an effort; it drops the hard shell which is its security, it starts moving.

Immediately the fight starts: the struggle with the soil, with the stones, with the rocks. And the seed was very hard and the sprout will be very, very soft and dangers will be many.

There was no danger for the seed, the seed could have survived for millennia, but for the sprout many are the dangers.

But the sprout starts towards the unknown, towards the sun, towards the source of light, not knowing where, not knowing why. Great is the cross to be carried, but a dream possesses the seed and the seed moves.

— Osho [Chandra Mohan Jain], Dang Dang Doko Dang, chapter 4